Happy Mother’s Day
A message for mother’s and children for improved relationships and a soulful perspective of self in the very unique relationship of parent and child.
Insights for healthy relationships and improved relationships with parents and with children.
Happy mother’s day to all the nurturers, cheerleaders, band-aid providers, heartfelt listeners, advocates for fairness, and champions of inner greatness.
A parenting insight that did wonders for my relationship with my mother and for my relationship with my two children: in all the ways you are not your mother | your child is not you. I don’t intend that in any particular positive or negative aspect. But most of us are keenly aware of how just how distinct we are from our own parents… and yet curiously unaware that our child/children is just as distinct in self from us and from their other parent as you and I are from our parents.
Similarities? Of course. But we are each our own self, our own being, our own soulful composition, by design.
Knowing this allows us to get to know our children as the unique beings they are, better supporting them in being
their best self (not our sense of
their best self). And it is never too late to do that.
Significant tension can arise when the parent wants the child to be the better/best version of their own self (parent). A parent viewing the child as the improved do-over of themselves.
This was observable with the college admissions scandals. Many of the parents, although financially successful, felt lessened by not having gone to college (Lori Loughlin spoke of this interviews and at her trial). To many outsiders, her life looked like a dream. To herself, she apparently felt quite inadequate for not having gone to college, and didn’t want her two beautiful daughters to have that same regret, that same deficit. But, they aren’t her… One of the daughters admitted she didn’t even want to go to college, having already been creating quite a successful career and living before even being of age for college (impressive, by many conventional standards).
This individuated perspective of self also allows us to better relate to our own parents, as the individual beings they each are. Including a re-set of memories if they are now passed on into death.
Saying to self “I am not my parents. They are them. I am me. My child/children are not me. They are them. I am me.”
So much familial tension and dis~ease can present from distorting overlaps of sense of selves.
Teenage or strong-willed children of every age sometimes have an almost screaming sub-conscious “I am not my father/mother!” which plays out in open or repressed tension and resistance, sometimes more towards the same gender parent. A fighting for self. The more the child senses similarity with that parent, and/or pressure from that parent, often the more tension/fight there is. Again, fight for self.
The fight is over, the tension relieved
once any party acknowledges in calm conversation
that they are distinct selves
with some complimentary bits and likely some uncomplimentary bits.
But each its own self.
Tension reduced, maybe even gone. Fight, gone. Love, acceptance, appreciation for self and for the parent now made easier to flow and be.
“Honey, we are so different, aren’t we? Similar yes, but each our own being.” Said with appreciation of differences, hugs, smiles, maybe giggles, sentiments of love and honor. Note to those with young children: unless you have a strong-willed young child, this conversation may not be necessary nor appreciated until the hormones kick in around age 12 (save it for then in that case).
Then in every encounter each self is free to decide what it is and what it isn’t, individually.
Where there is tension in family, be curious about where one or all might be fighting for space to be self. Take it. Give it. Allowing a loving, liberated, healthy sense of self to flourish. Without need for a fight for self.
I hope this is helpful, from
a) this Mother of an amazing 19 yr old that is very much her own self and an almost 16 yr old that is very much her own self.
And b) this 51 yr old daughter of an incredibly loving, masterful helper, strong woman whom I thought I was needing to internally fight for self with, for far longer than was necessary. I’m a helper, too. And it showed up as me feeling completely unjustifiably critical of my Mom. Until I realized she is herself. And I get to be myself. And we are similar. We are both helper-types, feeling great joy and love in helping others… Which I felt critical of her for, for decades, which is ridiculous! And we are each our own selves. Then I could let me just love her for the incredibly generous, giving, lovable, likable person that she is.
Motherhood is not always the easiest job, at all their ages, but when
can make space for being a loving, caring, likable version of self (by your assessment, even just for your own enjoyment!)
then it is so much easier
to feel quite good
at doing this often very hard, often thankless, job.
Win – win for all
Liking yourself through motherhood, and daughter-hood
For love of self and all.
Offering 21st century enlightenment, psychic intuitive, Jill Renee Feeler helps us better understand and appreciate ourselves, this world and why we are here.