How to Let Go and Not Be So Controlling, with Life, Children, Others

Some of us as humans share a consistent desire to control an outcome, manage people’s lives for them and step into problem solve even when we aren’t invited. Although the application of this message is much wider, we do include the primary example of parenting, helicopter parenting, with some thoughts on advocating for our children and helping to raise them to Be their own self, to support a well adjusted, happy, “successful” adult.

This is a transcription of a podcast message.

Hi everybody. This is Jill Renee Feeler and welcome to today’s podcast. I’m doing this as a pre-record before I have my trip to Greece, and then I’ll share it. While I’m in Greece. I’ll have a release date of our Tuesday kind of normal podcast time so that you have it. But there is a specific topic I want to talk about and I am led to pre-record this and offer it to you. Anyway, that’s what I’m led to do. So hello, welcome. And let’s just do a brief connection exercise here. I encourage you to relax your shoulders, maybe shake out your hands. Wiggle your face. Okay, good. Very, very good. Alrighty, wiggle your, kind of pump your fist a little bit. You may want to slap your face a little bit, get the blood flowing. Okay, good. All right. take a nice deep breath with me please. Okay, some of you as you do this, you may feel sort of like your, your body is like a spinning top. You may feel a rhythm and a rotation too. I like it when that happens it’s happening to me right now for sure. I feel like I’m sort of swaying and going in an orbit with an access through the center of me. nice deep breath. Okay, good.

Now for some of you and you have this sensation of spinning where your body is actually moving forward to backward or, or in some sort of like I said, it feels almost like an orbit when it accesses the center of you. Some of you have to have the inner nudge to make it stop. I actually love it when I get this way because it to me it’s and I, I don’t know if this is actually what it means, but to me, what it feels like it means is a resetting of rhythm and I like a resetting of rhythm because it may lead to a better perspective and an upgrade and how I look at myself and how I view this world and how I know myself and how I know this world. So I’m always curious about Oh, what you know, what can this mean? Right? Okay, so for those of you that are new, either, like, what are we doing? Why not just try it out, because I don’t know if I can fully describe to you what we’re doing here. But with this message I’m going to share today it is with my intention that it offers a level of wisdom and insight and fresh perspective to the world for whoever wants to experience it and consider that for themselves. Okay, that’s our intention. Let’s get started. Okay. Okay, so the topic for today is relates to parenting, but it isn’t only related to parenting, it’s related to worry about others concern about others, love for others and a distinction between self and others and helicopter parenting and being really concerned about our children and their present state or their future etc. Okay. Alright, so I am, this is prompted because this is a very common theme, we talk about it in a lot of the classes that we offer.

So, let me start out with a story of my own awareness of this through the for those of you that are new here, there are ways that I am Jill, that I have aha moments that are regular and amazing. Okay, so here’s a bit of a ditty So I remember I was just, you know, time with myself, not necessarily a meditation, but my kids were young. They were probably seven and four years old, two girls at the time and I remember my sense of, no they had to be younger Okay, so yeah, maybe five and two. Anyway, doesn’t really matter when they were young and I felt my sense of worry and feeling a need to be very controlling over like our lives and their reality and with the intention of keeping them safe. helping them be them their best self, but with an undertone of it’s my job to keep them safe and it’s my job to prevent horrible things from happening to them, that sort of thing and I remember having this sort of inner dialogue of it’s like so I’m acting as if my worry will keep them safe and my logic center said that that’s not real. That feels like a fantasy and I was acknowledging that that didn’t feel real to another part of myself so here’s where it gets more in the supernatural and esoteric at this dialogue I have with myself I call it my team because it helps me as logical Jill make sense of it.

I know it doesn’t make sense to someone that doesn’t understand it and I’m not asking you to understand it but what we’re intending offers incredibly relevant possibly directly to you. Okay. All right. So the conversation I was having with what I call my team, I said so I don’t have to worry in order to love and the answer if you will, I got back was exactly you don’t love does not mean worry, and I suppose I don’t I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to love and not worry and the response back from myself again that I felt was, well, we love you and we don’t worry about you. And I was like, well, that’s, that’s an idea I haven’t thought of, right. And I like that idea. I like the possibility that there’s a way to love and not worry, because worry isn’t doing any good and it’s probably depriving me of some of the grace of source what I would call energy, the purest form of goodness and best and even glory that’s possible. I don’t feel like worry is necessarily a positive addition to that experience. So I wanted to know more and I immediately as I felt that sense of that I am loved and not worried about as what I would call God. It’s like, okay, that’s cool. Does that mean that it’s possible for me as the mother of these two amazing girls who are not perfect, right? and danger can happen. This is a dangerous reality danger is real in this reality. Does that mean that I can try out as Jill, these two being’s mother, that I can love them without having to worry about them? and I felt like it was worth a try. Right. So in that experience, I began to explore a way of being a loving, caring, wise, informed, aware mother that didn’t have as much worry and what happened in that upgrade is that I acknowledged there’s a high degree of risk that comes with being human, and comes with being a member of the human race in this reality that I have no control over.

It makes me feel vulnerable, right? It made me feel humble, incredibly humble, but also very honest. So that’s sort of what replaced the worry is honesty, Humility and vulnerability, that in all the ways that I, you know, tell my girls, you know, don’t cross the street without looking both ways. You know, those sorts of things. There are still situations that they could be in, that anyone can be in, in this reality where something horrible some tragedy happens, and that I can’t stop that necessarily from happening. So I felt, I think more honest ownership for what I could teach them about the world and how I could help train them to be wise and safe, as safe as possible in an unsafe world and to be smart and savvy and you know, in their bodies, right? Yeah, versus pretending that this reality it doesn’t act the way it isn’t what it is and no, if we just think positive then nothing bad will happen. Or in the worriers case if I just worry enough something I can prevent something bad from happening is neither one of those are true, right? Okay, so this worry versus love is a huge disconnecting, those are the major upgrade, okay. All right. So then it comes to whose life is this? Because for many people that worry about someone else, they’ve sort of put like their name as feeling personally responsible for that other person for that for their welfare, for how things go for them and I really don’t recommend that because even in the case of you know, my girls are 17 and 14. I don’t feel personally responsible for who and what they are or what’s happening in their lives or how their lives go.

That doesn’t mean I don’t care and it certainly doesn’t mean I don’t love them It means I acknowledge that they are their own self, this is their life and is there a meaningful role? I plan that as a custodial mother in their lives? Yeah, for sure. But there’s also a huge degree of energy and presence and responsibility that they have, especially as they get older, and the grace of God and the uncontrollable factors that neither of us can control. Right. So taking responsibility for what you can about Who and what you are, while then feeling personally responsible for how you choose to respond to a world That has a lot of other variables that you can’t control and can’t predict. Yeah, listen to that one again. Okay, so here’s a very practical example that comes up. I have this email from somebody and I didn’t get her permission to read it, but it is a very common case, so I’m going to neutralize it. Okay, so that I don’t violate any of her confidentiality because this is a major theme and it’s very common. Okay, she says, Do you have any teachings videos on controlling letting go? So that’s what prompted this podcast right here and this is the one and there’s no video for this one, just in case some of you are wondering.

Okay, so let’s make one is what I was thinking this is a good topic and in her situation, she has a child that is at away university, they’re paying good amount of money. You know, over 30 grand, let’s say, for tuition every year and their child, it had their first a very low grade on an exam and the mother is very concerned for very good reason, right? and she’s reading the child’s emails because she’s on the communication distribution. So she knows what’s happening with the child’s grades. Because she’s in that loop, right? So there’s this temptation of freaking out as if the low grade is her low grade as the mother. Okay, this is big. Whose grade is it? Right, it’s, it’s the child’s grade. It’s not the mother’s grade. Oh, I just feel this pit in my stomach. emphatically from some of you going, Oh, but if I pretend it’s my grade, then I can fix it. No, you can’t. It’s not your grade. Okay. It’s not your grade. It’s their grade. So it’s their D it’s their F, their failure to turn in a major project. Right. So there’s good I mean, there’s this is, this is a real concern, right? This is a real problem. There’s good money being spent on education that is not going well so far. So there’s a lot of variables but the only variable that really the main variable here is the student. How personally responsible do they feel for not only their grades and how they’re doing at university, but for their lives and it’s very possible that that energy between the child and the parent has become so entangled, that their sense of personal responsibility for that low grade is not felt as tangibly and as profoundly as it should. Okay, because if that parents were more in their own lane and the child were more in their own lane, It is better to start younger, right? But sometimes that’s not how sometimes it’s too late and can’t and can’t change the past and then you can’t change the past as some of you think you can do. You can’t and you don’t need to. Okay? All right. So you’re in your zone, you’re in your life, you’re being you, and they get to be themselves and there’s only so much that you can do you can’t take the test for them, you can’t fix it, you can’t get them to pay attention. Right. So what can what variables do you control? Right? I mean, there’s a lot of possibilities here. But that’s the really important sort of first acknowledgement is that this is their grade. This is their choice. They’re making choices that led to that grade.

Now, is there some learning deficit right here? In this case of this email, I’m sensing no, that’s why she’s concerned is because her child is more capable than this and somehow there’s something missing, right? So I mean, that just child has a lot of possibilities in terms of getting extra help and going to the, you know, the department’s lab for extra resources and free tutoring and, you know, you know, what can I do to get my grades up? and you know, I’ve clearly effed up on this one and, you know, what do I do? Right? That it’s up to them to start taking those steps of rectifying the problem, and feeling responsibility for it. Now, if that child has a tendency of, it’s not my fault, oh, man, I would be I would not be paying for that university. I really wouldn’t. As a parent who values hard earned money and that sort of thing that just that’s a recipe for, for, in my view, even as human Jill, a very wasted investment. Because you can throw a whole bunch of money at anyone and invest feeling like you’re investing in them. But if their stance on who they are in this world is that everything is somebody else’s fault and that their bad grade is somebody else’s problem there that’s somebody that needs some wake up calls and maybe to read Dr. Jordan B. Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life I would highly recommend that that book or the interviews he’s done many many interviews on the topics offered in that book. It’s a big wake up call of, okay buddy, you know, you gotta get straight with yourself before this investment in you is doing anything to help and to make you an educated person or you know, well trained person for the workforce with skills and abilities and so forth. Okay, by the way, I don’t believe college and university and school is a place where you go to find yourself.

Living and travel is a better place to do that and yourself isn’t something you find, you guys, yourself is something you make every day with who you are in your character in your nature in your passions in your dedication to offering and being something of value in this world. Hopefully that pays enough to be independent financially. Right? that’s to me the ideal. Yeah, sorry. I’m really pragmatic and very non woo-woo, about this Yeah, and I like it that way and I know it works. Okay. So there’s a lot of possibilities here, but specifically related to this situation and situations like this. The first step is to say, whose grade is it? and then if it were my child, I would be saying to them, if first of all, I would disconnect from the emails, maybe, and maybe I would keep an eye on them, but I, well, I know I’ll probably keep the emails going because it’s good information and you’re the one paying for the investment, for the education, which is not cheap and, you know, that’s hard earned money that you and whomever maybe just you spending on this child. Okay, so I would make a phone call and say, okay, I noticed your grade in x class and what is your plan here? That’s literally what I would say. I would not offer help, I would not offer support, I would not act as if it’s my grade. I would respect the fact that it is their grade and that and with the proper insinuation that in my paying for your education, I have expectations, otherwise, I’m not paying for it. If you’re not going to get a minimum of these grades and demonstrate this level of personal accountability for the investment or the education that is being provided, then I’m not paying for it honey. Right. I think that is such a fair, reasonable expectation that I think you would do if somebody were paying that much money for you. You were getting those grades, what would be your expectation back of them? Right? Yeah, it is fair to put yourself in their shoes. Now, there’s other challenges here and this is one of the problems literally, with investments and university and so forth.

The frontal lobe, which is the part of the brain, where we are able to encompass and embody reason and judgment and logic and sound decision making doesn’t develop in most humans until the early 20s. That’s a fact. That’s like a scientifically researched, proven fact and it’s something I also believe in. It feels very real. So this really weird way that our world is right now and I look at it as we’re in a version of a dark age. I mean, yeah, we’ve got fancy phones that do a whole bunch of things, but that’s not a sign of a golden age of of enlightenment to me there’s a lot of Dark Age tendencies of our world and this is one of them. The idea that we act as if you know, high school seniors supposed to know what they want to do with the rest of their life, and then we invest more than we invest sometimes in our houses, because it feels like because we’re that’s what you do for a child you love is you invest in their future. But it’s throwing money at something that you are pretending is going to have a certain outcome, and it may not have that outcome. So if you have a kid that doesn’t know what they’re going to do, and you don’t have the financial money to, to throw out there for an expensive university or any university, then why not pay for a trade school where they actually and it may not be something they love, it might just be something they’re good at, but something that they can make a living at and then while they’re making a living at that they can decide what they want to do with their life and who they want to be in their life while they’re actually making a living. Being whatever.

I’m pretty sure my plumber is not passionate about being a plumber, but I’m damn happy that he is a highly trained, highly skilled plumber that went through all those steps of apprenticeship and all of those things because he helps us when we need him. Right. So see, I’m throwing out this whole idea, but you should only do what you’re passionate about. That’s fantasy. For those that have done that, God bless them. They, for some reason get picked for commencement speeches all across the world. I get why but I’m also frustrated as to why because that’s the least practical, least helpful advice you could give the vast majority of people. Most people don’t get paid for what they’re passionate about. Most people get paid for what this world says, Yeah, I need that. That’s what we get paid for most of us. Now, at the higher income brackets, we can also get paid for things that people want and they have the money to pay for. But the idea that we can all get paid for what we’re passionate about I’m sorry, the world doesn’t work that way. We can’t act as if it doesn’t. I don’t think we can make a world where that happens, because who’s going to be the plumbers? and who’s going to be the garbage collectors then just the people we care less about, right? It’s such an elitist attitude. If you really think about it. Anyway, we’ve done podcasts on this more recently, I think it was number 220 or 219. Anyway, so I don’t want to repeat myself there. But this is a problem. So it could be that this child is not ready for university and that I’m going to say something that feels uncomfortable even to say that they may not be demonstrating their appreciation for the investment being made in them, and their education and their future and if that’s the case and all parties can agree, maybe the investment stops maybe it’s like okay, can you drop out, can you get money back is it, you know, let’s just do this semester and then If you want to go back to college, let’s talk about it again. But what are we doing here? Right? But see, there’s been this false motto in this dark age that the successful people did this step did these steps, that’s not necessarily what made them successful. It’s possible they would have been successful anyway, even if they hadn’t gone through those steps and I think we have a growing number of cases of families and young adults that have a mountain of debt because they did what they were told to do.

Because the system keeps pushing more and more people to college when not everybody needs it. The world doesn’t need them any degreed individuals and it ends up being at their expense. They’re the ones with the loans, right? They’re the ones with the time spent and the dreams dashed in terms of well shit that didn’t go the way everyone’s, my high school guidance counselor said it would I studied what my parents told me I was supposed to study and nobody’s hiring in this field. What am I going to do now? Right? So why not get real right now? With this trial that’s getting, So far it’s just about great. Right? But there’s a bigger conversation to be had here. Yes. Okay, is it hard? Yes. does it feel safer to just continue on and everybody put the put the blinders on the horses, right and just like no, no, let’s just get through undergrad. It’s all going to go well, let’s just pretend it’s going to go well, everyone says it’s going to go well, if you take the blinders off and go Okay, wait a minute, it doesn’t always go well, we have a sign of a big problem here. Could it be that this is a wake up call right that child may be like, okay, shit. Okay, now I am at niversity it’s not like it was at high school maybe I got great grades in high school and now it’s what I did to be successful there is not working here. So but I want to be successful. So you know, don’t panic mom. I know you saw the email and I use how my horrible grade and that class and I’m on it, I’m freaked out too and I’ve got this, okay, that’s a different response that would as a mother, that would be a very different Okay, let’s see how it goes, I trust you, right? Because you don’t have a choice but to trust them. You really don’t. It’s not an option. They’re out there at that university out of your state on their own. Right. So it requires a level of trust, but okay, now what do you do with your worry? Listen to the first part of this message again, right? You’re acting like worry is your job you’re acting like it’s making a difference and that’s not, you’re acting like it’s making the situation better and I promise you it’s not, it’s probably causing tremendous stress and stress is a major factor in health problems, disease, all those things.

So you’ve got a lot of motivation, I hope for trying to look at things another way, right, because all the meditation in the world won’t solve this worry problem and feeling like your child needs to fix this for you to be well. Yeah. What if you can be well and yourself even when they’re not being well, that’s part of the purpose of you being yourself in your lane and them being themselves in their lane and it’s very possible. I remember when we were talking earlier that if there’s a lot of entanglement, it’s very possible that a radical positive breakthrough can happen with that child, by them realizing that this is their life, and that safety net that you may have provided all those years is not there anymore, that there’s only so much mom can do to fix it. Yeah, so it may spur on another version of themselves that wasn’t even there before. See, it could go well It may not but it might. It might. There is a love and logic book. I’m gonna go grab it really quick just hang on a second. Okay, so for those that are needing and wanting another way to be a parent or even a boss or even a supporter of someone else, I know this is a book for teens, but I do feel really strongly encouraged to recommend this book as another way of looking at things okay. And it’s called Parenting Teens With Love and Logic. It’s by Foster Cline and Jim Faye, Okay and it’s an updated expanded edition, NAF press. I don’t see the year on here but anyway, Anyway, so that could be a great resource for reframing how you’re doing this, in terms of the level of personal responsibility that you feel that may, okay, yeah.

So it’s another way to look at it another way to respond and say things and things like that, okay? Because those of us that are problem solvers tend to be the more controlling ones and the reason that we’re that way is that we have a sense that we could handle the situation better than someone else. Right. So we’re going Yeah, exactly. You’re right. You know, you wouldn’t have gotten that, right. That’s part of the reason you have anxiety about it and it’s part of the reason that you have all this entangled energy is because part of you is feeling like if I stay entangled, they may live a better life and have a better outcome, because I know better than they do and that’s great that you know, better than they do, but you’re not them and they’re not you. right, there we are back again, like shit, shit, right? It’s true, though. So the more you act like that’s true The more you think thoughts that are related to that truth, the better off everyone will be. Okay? and the sooner the better and it’s never too late you might be an 80 year old father or mother with a 60 year old child. You’re still paying their bills or you’re still you know trying to scrape a month off the floor when something horrible happens. It’s not your job, right? So even with my teens as I became more aware of this, and I still have controlling tendencies, there’s still a part of me that wants to offer advice and things like that, but I do it in a very different way.

I have an acknowledgement that there you know, relationship challenges, there may be issues with grades or you know, staying on top of assignments etc. I still have a tendency to want to fix it. I will always have that part of myself. I really feel that’s true. I am a fixer and a solver by nature by design and I love that part of myself and I realized that I need to go to the horsey like that and recognize that I have advice and I have wisdom I want to share, but whether they follow it or not, I cannot control. So if I’m in the car with my 14 year old and her friends or you know, sometimes they happen the car after I pick them up from school, her and her friends and they’re like, okay, so mom, this is going on and basically, in some situations, they’re like, what do you think we should do? and I’ll be like, Huh, well, it kind of I’m seeing this and I’m seeing that if it were me, you know, what if you did this, or what if you tried that? I’m not putting my name on it. I’m a consultant. I’m an advisor and they sought my advice and counseling, and sometimes they don’t. So sometimes if they’re, you know, getting and just, you know, I can hear them bitching and complaining about something. Sometimes I acknowledge they’re not talking to me. So well, you know, turn on a podcast or listen to music and let them have their conversation. Other times I do insert myself and I say, I say, I just want to toss this out as an idea. What if the reason you’re mad at them They didn’t actually like mean to you know, say that horrible they didn’t say it in the way that you felt like you heard it and and I’ll okay, you know, because it’s true. so there’s ways to toss out the wisdom sort of like tossing you know, dogs right over the fence, the dog next door, and whether the dog eats it or not, is totally up to the dog. Right? But I’m not like no, you know, you gotta eat this dog treat you know and inserting it properly and all those things in their mouth.

Yeah, that’s a weird example. But anyway, okay, so do we have a video on controlling and letting go I think we do know. Okay. I will toss in also related to like siblings and things like that. Partners, maybe in a business relationship, business partner etc. There are many, many ways that those of us that that feel, again, we have a sense like if I were in charge of that I would be doing a better job, we are the most guilty of being controlling and asking the very good question of how do I let go, you let go by acknowledging there’s only so much you can control. You let go by supporting someone else in doing their best job being their best self in that role, while acknowledging there’s again, there’s a huge equation, there’s a huge variable in the equation that you cannot control, and then even they can’t control. Right, and that’s where you may want to listen to podcast number 223. about luck and bad luck and just, you know, randomness and chaos and things without purpose situations that happened in this reality. They don’t have a meeting and don’t have purpose and just happen Because we can’t get we can’t control those either. Oh my God, for my fellow control freaks, it’s like, oh, but I’m a much higher functioning control freak with these truths on board in my life. I’m a much happier person. I’m much more open to laughter and grace and the natural humility and vulnerability that comes with being human and do I have my hands firmly on the steering wheel with what I can control? Yeah, I’m pretty much, pretty much and I recognize that sometimes there’s road work and construction and bridges washed out and all that other shit that can happen as we’re navigating life.

Okay and I face it as it comes. I deal with that as it comes and I try to be cut well, because of the humility and vulnerability that I now see and how little I can control. I actually feel a more openness to what I call the grace of God and the sense of humour to sort of get through those times. It’s like, shit this happened. All right, there we go, let’s figure this out. Right? and if it’s my problem, I’m even more so if it’s somebody else’s problem. I feel the separation that okay, is this my problem, right? Or is this their problem? and who are they in my life? and if I’m the boss, right, then I feel a different sense of, okay Please do this, This and this, or I consult them if I’m trying to promote them as their leader. So what do you what are you thinking about in terms of what actions happen next? What are you thinking? Right? Support their sovereignty, support their problem solving skills, which may not be as good as mine, it may never be as good as mine and yours, right? Because you’re probably like that to address asking this question and still listening. Yeah, okay. All right. So is it a satisfying answer? No. Probably not. But does it work? Yes. I guarantee it works. Yeah. Okay, may not have the outcome we want, but it works in terms of allowing each of us to be our best self and supporting us in being our best self. Okay. Yeah. Okay, I love you and I hope this was helpful.

There is a different version of this, that I just want to acknowledge the different levels of maturity and that frontal lobe issue and things like that, where I have definitely been, I think I could be called a helicopter mom in some cases, and I would sort of be defensive and say, Well, I get it that I’m inserting myself and you know, even my daughter was in seventh grade, eighth grade and a dynamic that she had with her teacher and the reason I would do that is because at 12, 13, 14 years old, there are so many adults, teachers and others that don’t respect them. So do I feel mama bearish When I’m calling an eighth grade English teacher who my daughter tells me and she tends to be very accurate in her retelling of events and she had an eighth grade teacher storytime here. My ninth grader now 14 had a teacher last year, and she, her grade was not good. My child, and I’m just not good enough based on what I know she’s capable of and I’m just like, G, what are you doing? You know? and she’s like, well, the teacher and see there’s a bit of that blame.

It’s not my fault kind of thing. But I was listening, right? Because sometimes are situations where you could have done better with a teacher that was more fair dynamic that was better suited, but that’s not life. You don’t get to control all those variables. So still, we expect good grades. Anyway, so she came up with a story and maybe it was a diversion. That worked. She said, well this teacher, you know, and she talked about the teacher had given somebody a D, on a paper and what she did According to and then I called the teacher later and she actually did it. She was kind of shocked and silent as I relayed my version of the events and she said, Oh, that’s right. That did happen last week, and she was very quiet about it. Anyway, she acted as if no one would catch her on it because these were a class of 13 year olds.

That happens. I’m not saying all teachers are like that. I think there’s so many amazing teachers who are like saints in this world and there’s some other teachers that when they know adults are not looking they do things they would not do, if there were an adult in that classroom and I am definitely the parent that will call and say, Okay, now I heard this. I wanted to hear your side and then just zip your mouth. Just listen. You’ve teed up the ball. What are they going to do with it? Okay. Oh, I never got to the story. Thank you. Okay, so this, this teachers held up the D paper, the name wasn’t visible, and talked about what that student had done wrong and then she handed it directly to the student whose paper it was. It’s not how I would do things. Okay. I think whether that child wanted to say that they’re the one that got the D on the paper that the teacher was using as a bad example what not to do, that would be their news to share, but for the teacher to publicly use it as an example of what not to do, and then to publicly hand it to the student that had done it. I just think as a level of what’s the word I want to use? lack of respect I don’t think she would like that. I don’t think she would like to hear that her child was called out in that way and I just think it’s shitty thing to do. The kids get Ds right, that doesn’t mean they’re a bad person who knows what’s going on in there life, another way for that teacher to use the example and then just anonymously shuffle the papers and then hand out the papers that no one knew what she was talking about and then say, hey, Brian, can I talk to you after class? I don’t know if that’s their name. I’m just making it up. Are you okay? is there anything that I should know about? I noticed that you got a, you know, a D, and that’s not passing, buddy. You know, was there anything that I can do to support you to get a better grade next time? That’s the kind of teacher I think I would be I hope I would be that’s the kind of teacher I think these kids deserve.

So what ended up happening is that teacher owned what she did, she sort of made this weird excuse for it, rationalizing it and I’m like, Okay, and then I pulled her out. I called her counselor right after that phone call, and said what other English teacher can Georgia have for this year? Yeah, I don’t want my kid anywhere around someone like that. Now, some people would say, well, they need to learn. They need to learn the Those people are out there in the world, I get your point. But at 14 at 14 that’s an unfair match. Do I wish that teachers like that would get proper training? Do I wish that the principal could be everywhere so that they can see shit like that that happens and hold them accountable and help them be a better teacher or at least let if it’s a good teacher that does things, bad things when no one’s looking that there’s better eyes and ears on them whether a better teacher because they know that somebody is looking and it’s sad that some people in order to be a better version of themselves need to have some sense of somebody is going to be witnessing their horrible behavior in order to prevent them from being horrible. But that is the way of the world that’s the nature of this reality as some people don’t have integrity and to me, integrity is doing the right thing when nobody’s looking and a bunch of 14 year old are not or 12 year olds or 13 year olds, they’re not nobody.

They’re future adults, these are younger humans, they’re very vulnerable. They don’t have their frontal cortex to make good decisions. They don’t have the sense of self respect sometimes to advocate for themselves and say, what 13 year old would be able to, even what would happen to a 13 year old if they stood? What if you were that kid? and what if you were undercover as a 13 year old and you saw that happen? If it were me, I’d want to I’m a problem solver. Right? I’d want to stand up and say, hey, that’s not okay that you just did that. Let’s go talk to the principal and let’s let Mr. Green know what you just said right there to that kid. Right. They don’t have those choices you guys. They’re supposed to sit there and listen to the teacher and follow the teacher’s lead the teacher is in charge. It’s obvious. Their mind doesn’t even go to what can we do to fix this problem? their senses, here’s another shitty teacher I got, damn it. Got to figure out how to get through this year with a decent grade and hopefully I learn something. I hope I don’t get a D I hope I don’t get made fun of. I hope she doesn’t make fun of me passive aggressively. That’s humiliating. That kid could need therapy. Who knows how many other times that’s happened to him? Not just from that one teacher but in life and maybe their parents great parent maybe saying it. So why the world son? You got to figure this out Yeah, so are there ways to be maybe not controlling and letting go but as adults, there are roles that we can play to advocate and to show some sign of I’m watching you. My child is telling me what’s happening in your classroom and I will call you ask you about it and I will do what I can to help you feel accountable for who and what you are. When there’s no one else in the room.

Yeah. Okay, does it make a difference? I have no idea. Do I feel better? Yeah. Does my kid respect me and rely on me to help where I can adult to adult? Yes. Do I hope that she learns from that where she can help and advocate for herself. She’s demonstrated that actually, early on she was advocating for herself with teachers and things like that and I’m so proud of her and other parents would be like, Oh my God, that’s so disrespectful. I can’t believe that she stood up to a teacher at sixth grade. Yes, she’s a badass in all the right ways. Love that kid. Yeah. Does she get straight A’s? No. Do I wish she would? Yeah. Is she capable of it? Yes. It’s not her priority I think that will probably be the way she is for the rest of her life. She’s not that kid she doesn’t care about the A as much as I do. So I’m yielding right and recognizing that’s not her and you know what, that wasn’t me. Where I could get an A with the amount of effort I was willing to offer. Did I get an A? Yeah. In some classes did the mountain just feel a little too high for that I didn’t want to climb it. that’s a long, I don’t know if I’m willing to give what that A requires. Right. Some kids don’t have that conversation. They’re like robotic machines to get those As. They don’t ask what the top is, they’re the, you know, how high? kind of people. I am not built that way.

I mean, I want to do that. That’s how I am and I think my both of my children are like that in their own ways. They’re their own person, they are not mini me’s They are their own souls, this is their life. They obviously said yes to me as a parent on the soul level and that’s why I get to be their mom. Is it always fun and games and awesome? No, it’s not, sometimes it’s hard and I’m like, Oh, God, I hope, okay, right. They are amazing people though, and I hope they have a great life and there’s only so much I can do to help make that happen. It’s their life. How much did you listen to your parents? and in this situation of this email I got what would you have done? What would your parents have done it? What would you have wanted them to do? Yeah, that’s where it gets real. Right when we flip it in terms of Oh, God, well, my parents would have done x y&z Okay, now you get the chance to be the parent you want to be Is this how you want to be being What do you think your child could benefit most from and how you parent them now that they’re at university? big sigh right there, right? You’ve got so many choices. I know you’ve got patterns, but some of those patterns I don’t think you like anymore, which is why you’re sending me the email. How do I get out of that pattern by experimenting with another version of yourself? This book parenting teens with love and logic, forget that it says teens and the title, it’s still skills that you don’t have. It’s another perspective that they may benefit you. And the 12 Rules for Life, maybe a great book for you to read. Maybe the reason that you’ve become controlling is that you don’t trust yourself in this world and that you don’t trust this world. This is an unsafe reality, and you’re trying to make it safer. You can’t make it safer. It is what it is. All you can do is control your you in it and that’s all your child can do too. Is it enough for a great life? Yes. Hell yes, it is. It’s more than enough. Does that mean everything goes your way? No, but it means you’re more capable of responding when things don’t go your way. Yeah, see? Okay. All right.

I love you guys. Thank you so much. If you like this podcast, thank you so much for liking, subscribing, reviewing, sharing any of those things. Okay, I’m sharing this on a schedule while I’m in Greece on a trip and upcoming trips. For those of you that like to travel and have the resources to travel. We have The Zion Retreat at the end of October 2019. We have the Egypt trip, amazing adventure and can’t wait to get back to Egypt in January of 2020 and we have an April workshop in Boise and that is at the so last Saturday and Sunday of April 2020. Okay, and then the Israel trip will be April of 2021. Okay, yeah, for planning ahead and other resources. We’ve got tons of free hundreds of free videos. If you like this one, then maybe another one. I’ll come up on the thumbnail here that The algorithm in YouTube says it recommends for you, I tried to get it. I’m recommending, obviously my own resources because that’s all I can stand by. Unless it’s a book like this and I’m also recommended or advised led to recommend to you. Okay, all right. I hope you like this. I hope you found it a value and I love you and I’m always cheering you on and your children too if you have children. Okay, I love you. Bye bye for now.